Clearly human beings are not meant to be that big. Too big, that's what they are. By "they," of course I mean the bulky, bulging behemoths that frequent the weight room.

Now I'm not knocking the beloved pastime of working out. Oh no, not at all, for of that crime I too am guilty. But really there's just no need to be that revoltingly huge. But, as usual I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I walk into the gym today, just another normal day at the gym...until of course I see these two gargantuan men lifting weight equal to that of a motel unit over their heads, while at the same time managing to grunt like angry rottweilers. Now everyone's seen one of these type of guys. They have them at every gym. They lift insanely heavy weights and become so large that they lose the flexibility necessary to scratch their asses. It's true...they have to rely on one another for their ass-scratching needs.

Now first of all, bravo to these pioneers for having become the most revoltingly large beasts I've had the displeasure to observe, and also a big kudos to them for making me feel about as tough as Mrs. Kevkelstein, the 94 year old jewish woman who lives across the street from me and only leaves the house to have her knees drained and empty her colostomy bag.

It seems as though at the gym, everybody is always trying to show everybody else up. At least all the men are. I think the women have some other silly motive, like losing weight or something. The men are pretty much there to (a) look at the women, (b) try to impress the women by putting forth feverish efforts to lift weights that are clearly to heavy for them before their heads explode, and (c) give themselves hernia's. Most men don't have much trouble with (a) and (c), but it's the (b) part that takes up the largest portion of a man's time in the gym, and also the part which no one ever seems to succeed at. Probably because women pretty much don't give a shit how much you can lift. Funny, no one ever seems to realize that.

Then of course there's the complete psychos that are there with one goal: to simultaneously lift the equivalent of every weight and piece of equipment in the gym that is not nailed down over their heads, or die trying. It's these guys that get inordinately large and consequently have trouble scratching their asses. They also seem to be somehow genetically predisposed the the word "yo."

Anyway, they continued grunting endearingly while they pumped 800 pound dumbells up and down, while their faces showed signs that their heads were close to exploding. After an hour or so of hitting their heads on the ceiling tiles and saying things like "My bad, was that your spleen?"

they finally left. Since the encounter my ass has been unexplicably itchy, and I constantly feel the urge to "blast my pecs."

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