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Anyway, this trip I took, you don't need to know why I went, or where exactly. The part of the trip that stands out in my mind is the part where I spontaneously became severly retarded. After the main objective of my trip had been met, I embarked on the journey home. Now keep in mind that the roads were poorly lit and even more poorly marked, not that that's any excuse for my own mind boggling idiocy. Before I left, I got some helpful hints on getting back to the main road by my friends, those hints went something like this: Stupid Friend: Just Go up the road a mile or so-- 2nd Stupid friend: more like four miles-- Stupid Friend: until you come to a stoplight-- 2nd Stupid Friend: I think its actually a stop SIGN... Stupid Friend: And when you get to the first stop LIGHT-- 2nd Stupid Friend: SIGN-- Stupid Friend: make sure you make a right-- 2nd Stupid Friend: go Straight-- Stupid Friend: no no just go right and you'll be fine 2nd Stupid Friend: yeah, if by "fine" you mean "found dead tomorrow morning" then sure you'll be-- At this point a fight broke out and I quietly slipped away. Anyway, I proceeded down a dark, windy, unlit, backwoods "road" followed by what seemed to be a headless horseman until I hit a stop sign. At this point the horseman looked over at me and shrugged. Thinking to myself that this three lane, well lit, heavily traveled highway in the middle of Bumblefuck Pennsylvania (which ironically was called "Paradise") couldn't possibly be the three lane, well lit, heavily traveled highway that I was looking for, I continue down the one narrow lane, unlit, virtually untraveled gravel path that I was on for another two miles or so before I realized that perhaps the highway I just passed and the one I was looking for might actually be one in the same. I looked far in the distance, and seeing nothing but Big Rigs and inbreds I decided to turn around and head back. However, as I mentioned, the road I was so lucky to be traveling on was quite narrow, and so, in an effort to avoid one of those unsightly 3 point turns that motorists just hate to see you doing in the middle of road, I decided to pull slightly off the road onto the grass and simply make a textbook "U" turn. Well this didn't go quite as smoothly as I planned. You see, out thar in that thar country town, they gots whatcha cawl the, uh, high grass. And, it seems that they groom the high grass specificallly to trap unsuspecting city-folk and make them look like complete rubes. So I pulled into the high grass and discovered that those wily country farmers stuck a big ole fat ditch right in the middle 'a that thar high grass. So I, being the stupid rube that I am, drive right into the ditch, discover that I am stuck, and then calmly begin the recommended course of action in such situations, namely spouting expletives at the road and ramming my head into the steering wheel. Now, being the trendy, stylish moron that I am, I wear this chain that goes from my wallet to my keys and hangs at my waist. So, wanting to keep the car in neutral while I get out and push, I remove my wallet from my pants and jump out. I proceed to heave against this hunk of heavy machinery uselessly, continuing to spout expletives, until I am completely exhausted and out of curse words. So, I walk back to the door to use the cell phone that I keep in my car for just such a situation. and discover that I am the dumbest man alive. I have LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY CAR (DUM DUM DUUUUMMMMMM). After another round of "cussin'" I went up to the house I'd broken down next to and began knocking on the door. After several minutes, noone came, but a truck that had been driving by stopped. This nice guy towed me out of the high grass, and then told me of his adventures in trucking while we waited for the cops to come and open my door. Everything turned out alright, but I am newly humbled and have learned a valuable lesson: anytime you go into central Pennsylvania, you're just askin for trouble.
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