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By this of course I mean that most apartment listing seem to bring to mind huge open spaces with sunlight streaming in through floor to ceiling windows and lush wall to wall carpeting in a beautiful, rockwellian neighborhood, that is so nice you almost want to vomit all over yourself. However, in most cases, (and by most cases I of course mean this particular case) that wasn't quite the scene I encountered. I've searched long and hard for the right word to describe the humble lodgings I spent my weekend perusing, and I think I've done it justice. The word, my impatient friends, is shit-tacular. The outside of the building actually looked promising, with no visible scars except the real estate agent, who was pudgily milling around outside when I pulled up. Now when I picture real estate agent, I'm thinking sleazy, but in a well groomed way. Our agent barely had on pants. He seemed, at least to me, slightly unprepared, and also, he didn't really give two gits if anybody rented his stinking little piss-hole apartment. Now undoubtedly what all of you are thinking is, is piss-hole a word? And if so, is it supposed to be hyphenated? Now we could debate that for several minutes, but lets stay focused here. The guy seemed to know about as much about the apartment as we did, specificly that it sucked big fat monkey wang. The only thinkg he knew that we didn't, was that the cabinet under the sink would be fixed, and that no, the "deck" had never collapsed. As he led us into our would be kitchen/living room, we found ourselves thinking that there weren't many aspects to living that could actually be enjoyed in a room of this size. You could probably fit a chair in it. Probably. The dish washer seemed to be a big selling point, at least he made sure to point it out to us. agent: "See this here? Its a dishwasher. Yup. It sure is. Washes Dishes. Yup." After we recovered from the orgasm that followed that discovery, he led us into the bedrooms, which sported special futuristic mirrored closet doors which, conveniently, didn't open. And we thought it was just super. The "lush" wall to wall carpets that had been advertised were so thin that they were translucent. The washer/dryer occupied space in the bathroom that might have been better occupied by, say, a toilet. Somehow the view out of every window was the same brick wall. So of course right away we were sold. Sold on leaving and never coming back. We actually saw the place at the same time as one other person who was also interested, and she seemed to share our sentiments, although she was slightly less tactful, punching the realtor like that. But who can blame her. He was a putz, he deserved to be punched. We're seeing another place this weekend. We can only hope that it can compare.
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